I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize