This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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