how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
