Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize