it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
