I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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