I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
