Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
