how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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