i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize