I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
