Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
