Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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