I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
