what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
