My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
