Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I could make wine with my vomit
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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