Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
