party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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