a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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