Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
