Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize