You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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