Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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