I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
