Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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