Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
