i will never coherently bang her
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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