Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
