im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
