No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
