She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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