he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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