I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
