there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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