I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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