when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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