You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
