I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
