Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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