I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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