Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
