i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
