You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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