UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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