Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
