Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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