Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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