just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
