You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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