in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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