I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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