just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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