Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize