I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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