One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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