Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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