Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
