You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize