pedialite and red bull = repair kit
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
