i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
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