her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
