just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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