is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
