it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
