I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
