He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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