and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
