did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
