I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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