I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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