Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
